


Even is (usually) ok

by sherlockandjawn



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 10:13:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11056827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockandjawn/pseuds/sherlockandjawn
Summary: Even has good and bad periods. And Isak is still learning to deal with the bad ones.





	Even is (usually) ok

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and any information I've read on bipolar disorder is online. I'm not bipolar and any feedback would be appreciated on my portrayal of it.

Isak likes to pretend to people that he and Even are perfect. Aside from the boys and maybe Eva, the whole school is under the impression that the two never have any problems. Ever. But then again, the majority of people don’t know that Even is bipolar and consequently Isak sometimes feels like the weight of Even and all the baggage that he brings is crushing him.  
He feels incredibly guilty about this of course. He’s too ashamed to express his emotional exhaustion to Even, because 90% of the time Even makes Isak feel almost buoyant with happiness. The last few months have undoubtedly been the best of Isak’s life, and anyone who even looked at them would know how happy they made each other- the boys were constantly teasing them about how love sick they were.  
Even’s bad days throw everything off track however. Isak feels like he is beginning to understand Sonja’s words to him-“there’s nothing you can do”- because Isak feels so useless when he drops by Even’s after school and finds Even curled up in bed, not responding to him.  
Yesterday was a day like that. Isak had received a text from Even’s mum whilst in biology, asking him to stop by and check on Even since she was going to be working late. Isak only felt a twinge of annoyance, thinking of how Magnus had suggested getting Kebab and going back to his place tonight. Still, he hadn’t seen Even since yesterday, and his boyfriend wasn’t replying to texts, so Isak was already experiencing Even withdrawal symptoms. 

After letting himself in (Even had given him a spare key), Isak pushed his way through the cluttered house to Even’s room, to see him with his blankets pulled over his head and NAS playing too loudly. Isak had winced, and waded his way through the mess of dirty clothes to turn down the music. Even hadn’t shown any sign of life, so Isak dropped his bag from his back and lay down next to where his head should be.  
“Even?” he said softly, stroking the shape of his shoulder through the duvet. Even emitted a non-committal groan, but moved into Isak’s touch.  
“Hey baby,” Isak tried again, moving his head so that it was nearly parallel with Even’s. Even finally pushed down the duvet, to reveal his hair limp against his head and purple circles beneath his eyes. His expression didn’t change when he saw Isak, and he immediately averted eye contact.  
“I look gross, right?” Even’s voice was hoarse, and Isak couldn’t help but smile. He always looked fantastic, even when he probably hadn’t even looked in the mirror for hours.  
“Only a little. Shift up.”  
Isak pulled Even into his chest and began detangling his hair with his fingers. As his fingers worked, he began recounting the mundane details of his day, detailing how Mahdi had attempted to flirt with a third year girl and she hadn’t even let him finish his sentence before shutting him down. Even had smiled slightly, but he seemed more interested in staring at a space on the wall. After Isak had run out of things to tell Even, he contented himself with watching his boyfriend. His bedroom was a mess, dirty cutlery crammed onto almost every surface and clothes strewn all over the floor. Isak contemplated cleaning it for him (which really showed how much he loves Even, because Isak is hardly a tidy person) before Even broke the silence.  
“I’m a burden on everyone.”  
It wasn’t a question- it was a statement that Even had clearly been mulling over the whole time Isak had been talking. Isak let a sigh escape him, thinking of the countless times that Even had made these remarks whilst in a depressive period.  
“You know that’s not true,” Isak said, despite knowing that Even’s brain wasn’t working logically at the moment.  
“It is. I saw the group chat.” Isak mentally cursed, hoping that Even wouldn’t see the Kebab plans.  
“What makes you think I’d rather be with those idiots than with you,” Isak said, trying give Even a flirtatious smile. Even didn’t respond, staring intensely at Isak. Isak tried to hold out, to make Even break the eye contact first, but failed.  
“Even, I would have dumped you ages ago if I was bothered by you being bipolar,” Isak said, somewhat bluntly. Even had winced at his candour, and Isak immediately felt horrible.  
“Go out with the boys. I kinda want to be alone,” Even mumbled before Isak could apologise. Isak started to protest, but only half heartedly. Surely it was ok if he went out this once? The boys kept snapchatting him and Even didn’t seem very interested in talking…  
“Are you sure?” Isak said hesitantly, cupping Even’s face. Even nodded, and pressed a kiss to his cheek.  
“Yeah. Tell the guys I say hi,” he said, his smile not reaching his eyes. Isak knew full well he should have stayed, but he still pressed a final kiss to Even’s lips and slung his bag over his shoulders.  
“Ok, I’ll text you later baby,” Isak said. Even didn’t respond. 

23:37  
Evennn 

23:49  
R u ok babe???

00:21  
I love you sooo much you know that right??

00:29  
Let’s move in together!! We could eat cheese toasties all day!!!

00:48  
I’m super drunk so I’m crashing at Jonas’ if you need me. See you at school??

Isak had spent most of the morning too hungover to really concentrate on anything but his lessons at school the next day. However in biology after lunch he began to worry about the fact he hadn’t heard from Even at all. Even usually didn’t have the motivation to charge his phone when he was feeling down, but this was still an uncharacteristically long period of without a message. Sana sitting down beside him pulled him out of his thoughts, and he offered her a weak smile, which she returned, before launching into a question about the homework. Isak answered her, glad to have a distraction, but stopped short when his phone buzzed on his desk.

Magnus: bro, i just saw even running out of his lesson and he looked kinda upset. Think he was heading towards the bathroom…but don’t blame me if he’s not there. Pls. 

Isak rolled his eyes, but was internally thanking God that Magnus thought to text him.  
“Everything ok?” Sana asked, watching him in her eerily perceptive way. Isak shrugged, and picked up his bag.  
“I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick please,” he said, as their teacher finally slouched into the room. Sana nodded, looking concerned.  
Isak tried to walk slowly out of the class room, but immediately began towards the bathroom. Even was rarely so bad that he had to leave class, and Isak couldn’t help but worry about what state he’d be in when he found him.  
The bathroom closest to biology was empty, so Isak raced towards the one nearest Even’s class. Isak felt the adrenaline leave him as he stood outside the door, and steeled himself before shoving open the door. 

Even was perched on the windowsill, almost obliviously smoking a joint and gazing out of the window. His hair was unstyled and he was wearing an old hoodie of Isak’s, the bags under his eyes just as prominent as yesterday. He didn’t react to the door opening, so Isak took a deep breath and apprehensively moved towards him. His footsteps echoed around the empty bathroom, and an decade seemed to pass before Isak was standing in front of his boyfriend. Even turned his head towards him, and his eyes were tinged red- from tears or drugs Isak couldn’t tell. Even regarded him coolly, and Isak had never felt this awkward around Even, not even when the latter had emptied the paper towel dispenser upon their first meeting. Which had resulted in Isak feeling really awkward.  
“You shouldn’t be smoking,” Isak finally said, gesturing to the joint. Even stared at it too, and eventually nodded.  
“Yeah, I know,”  
The silence that followed was agonising, and Isak felt overwhelmed with the desire to hold Even and never leave him again. What was drinking shit beer with the boys compared to simply being Even’s presence? Isak audibly signed, and ran his hands through his hair.  
“I’m a complete dick aren’t I?” he said, hoisting himself onto the window ledge with Even. Even smiled faintly, and took a drag.  
“Kind of. But yesterday I hadn’t washed in a while so I partially understand,” he said, maintaining eye contact with Isak.  
“It’s my job to be with you,” Isak said, dropping his gaze to his lap.  
“Maybe. But its tiring being with me. And I don’t want you to miss out on having fun,” Even said, exhaling. Isak shifted closer, and took Even’s free hand.  
“Yeah but you’re more important to me than them,”  
Even considered his response, before delivering the blow.  
“Why’d you go then?”  
Isak felt his face flush, and he dropped Even’s hand. Even’s face had fallen back into neutrality, and his eyes seemed to hollow out again.  
“Because…like you say it’s tiring,” he whispered, not wanting to see Even’s face. Even didn’t respond for an eternity, and Isak wished more than ever that he knew how to handle this sort of thing. Maybe Even had been better off with Sonja.  
“You can leave me,” Even said, his voice hoarse. “I won’t blame you. I don’t want to make you resent me.”  
Isak’s heart shattered.  
“Shit...shit no Even that’s not what I was saying. It’s like… you and I are usually so good. And when you’re…bad, everything kind of changes. I want to be here for you, but I don’t know how and it just stresses me out so much. I say all this crap about ‘minute by minute’ and I don’t know if it even helps you, and-,” Isak realised that his eyes were welling up, and blinked furiously to keep them from spilling.  
Even’s hand found his cheek, and his face was tilted up to meet Even’s.  
“Isak… you can’t help me. You know that. All this shit,” Even gestured to his head, “It’s all me and you can’t fix my mind. You can’t save me,” he said softly. Isak pushed Even’s hand away.  
“But that’s my job. That’s what I’m supposed to do. I save you and you save me,” he countered, his voice rising. Even gazed at him, and shook his head faintly.  
“Only I can save me Isak.”  
Isak stared at him, and realised the truth in what he said. Isak couldn’t chase away the demons in Even’s head that cast a shadow on everything, nor could he soothe the racing thoughts that accompanied his mania. Only Even could control his mind, and all Isak could do was spectate.  
“Okay, well how about I promise to be a better boyfriend,” Isak finally said, offering a half hearted smirk. Even laughed too abruptly, as if all his emotions were spilling out, and he finally stubbed out the joint and placed both hands around Isak’s neck.  
“Impossible,” he breathed, before kissing him softly. Isak smiled, and broke away but kept their faces inches apart.  
“We’ll work everything out, yeah?”  
“Let’s just figure out what to do with this minute”  
Isak nodded, and kissed him again. A few minutes later, Even leant back, wearing an expression that looked too happy for his tired features.  
“Were you serious about moving in together?”  
Isak’s eyes widened, forgetting that he’d sent that text amongst the numerous drunk ones. He’d been toying with the idea for a few days now, but wasn’t sure if Even would want to move so fast.  
“I mean, I am if you are,” Isak said shyly. Even analysed him carefully, and looked at their intertwined hands.  
“You won’t get a break from me when I’m like this,” he said, his expression souring. Isak shrugged, and lifted Even’s knuckles to his lips.  
“Good. I want you whether you’re running naked on the street or listening to shit music in your bedroom for days on end.”  
“Can I remind you that you like NAS too?”  
“Whatever.”


End file.
